Wednesday, October 12, 2005


(Or: With a Neighbor Like Me, Who Needs TV?)
Since this past weeks' Illustration Friday Theme is "Lost," & I'm still very low-tech here on the blog frontier, I'll illustrate with words, how my neighbors most likely think (more than ever), "That woman next door has LOST her mind!"
First, a little background information: In case you didn't read the header on my blog, I'm an animal lover...actually it's gone way beyond that. And animals KNOW this! Apparently, I give off some sort of pheremones that are the equivalent of a flashing neon sign over the Statue of Liberty to lost/abandoned animals within a 5 mile radius - Bring us your tired, your poor......I'm sure you think I'm exaggerating, but seriously donkeys have shown up at my door (we found their owner, thank God); a little tame white bunny - on Easter Sunday no less (he apparently escaped an Easter egg hunt gone bad - he was covered in little pastel egg-dye handprints, with one ear flopped over, missing half his tail fur! :-o What else could I do when no one answered the ad, but set-up bunnykeeping in the spare bathroom. Where else do you keep a furniture & electrical wire-eating rodent in a houseful of cats? The dogs have the patio; the frogs have the other bathroom....Now back to today's sub-topic: cats. Cats are especially sensitive to my animal magnetism. No one ever answers ads on lost cats. Apparently most cat owners (or um, former cat owners, or for the love of God, prospective cat owners!) either are illiterate or simply do not take the local newspaper. Someone really needs to establish a literacy program for these people. Anyway - some of the latest boarders at our bed & breakfast for pets are Popcorn, Ginny & Peanuts. The Crackerjack twins are still being tamed & are therefore, camping outdoors for now - so at least four times a day the neighbors are treated to what sounds like a carnie vendor hawking their wares: "Popcorn! Peanuts! Pop--corn!! Pea--nuts!!" So, I'm sounding just a little nuttier than ever to them already. Then today, having only the funds at the moment to obtain contraception for 2 of the 3 newbies, the girls won. After a hectic round-up, got them into their carriers & off to the Spaymobile (unlike other -mobiles, not nearly as much fun as it sounds) & on to work. Then back after work to pick them up & off to home...leave them in the car temporarily while I unlock...oops! where's the housekey? (for reasons too complicated to go into here - yes I have my housekey & my car key on separate keyrings - don't ask right now) Tear everything out of my purse...nope...doublecheck the pockets....nope! Damn! I must have left it in the house this morning when I was rounding up cats! Ok - there's got to be a way in...try all doors....try all windows...including ones that require dragging a lawnchair over, so I can then get to the crook in the treebranch, ugh, cobwebs, OW! dammit! the little spindly tree twigs have me by the hair, but, look, oof, this window isn't locked!! YEA!! Woo-hoo!!! Get the screen off, oops! crash! Well, at least nobody was down there to get hurt... Ok, now, it's open a crack, just work fingers under & push up...I said Up, dammit! Please for the love of God, GO UP!! (& yes, much of this I am actually saying OUT LOUD, because I have just lost my mind that much). In background: sounds of increasingly more frantic kitties crying from their carriers in the open car - "meow!, Meow!!, MEOW!!!" then, as Peanuts decides he really must see what's wrong with his sister, jumps into the car & sticks his little nose into Oops! Ginny's carrier! Hiss! Growl! Hiss! MEOW! ad nauseam - "Popcorn! Peanuts! Gin!" - yes, I've now expanded my wares - OK, get leg over from windowsill...& in we go! right over the end table, the lamp, oops, what the hell was that? oh, lotion, now all over the magazines...Ok, back thru the house to the front door, back to the car, breaking up the stand-off, since Peanuts won't abandon his post by his sister Popcorn, & Ginny has regained enough consciousness to blame Peanuts for everything that has gone horribly WRONG with her day, "Popcorn, Peanuts, Gin - Stop It!" (keep in mind, I now have my hair sticking up in ways hair was never meant to, & adorned with assorted twigs, leaves & cobwebs). I snatch up the cat carrier from the car seat & VOILA! Guess what has magically appeared! Yes! The *&^%$#@ KEYS!!! I now proceed to use words that I refuse to lower myself any farther by repeating here....LOUDLY!!! (Did I mention I live in what is, apart from our house, a very quiet, conservative neighborhood?) Oh well, they say there's one in every bunch - someone's got to play the part of the kooky neighbor! Can you guess who it is? Did you pick me? How'd you guess?
And so ends this week's episode of "Lost In Suburbia." Stay tuned for further adventures of the crazy cat lady - next payday, it's Peanuts' turn to visit the Spaymobile.....

No comments: